Chapter 210: Day four – no sugar horror…

Everything is like a puzzle today. The whole world broke into little pieces which don’t fit together. And I feel like crying. I look around – so many things to do. Instead of excitement I feel … boredom. Where to start? Where to focus on? I clean up one corner, while another one becomes a mess.

Oh, what’s that? Who is this creature sitting there middle in my kitchen, middle in my living room, on each and every toilet in my house? In some circles she goes by The-Princess-of-Boredom. Just few minutes ago she told me that nobody would care and it would help me a lot if I would have this one cup of coffee with … PANDA-A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!!!

Princess of Boredom is dressed into each and every open question of my life. These questions are like puzzle pieces, like little beads, one on the top of another. The second wire of my brain translates that there is a misrepresentation going on, that I don’t really have so many open questions. One, may be two questions are open, but nothing even close to this dazzling potpourri. But Princess of Boredom brought her kaleidoscope, put two open questions of my life into its depth and multiplied two silly questions into a myriad of topics, issues, problems…all boring and tiring to resolve.

Is it sugar? Some physiological dependence crisis certainly as there is no evidence of chemical sugar dependence. But there is also something else. A tectonic shift happened four days ago. My current sweet condenced PANDA milk resistance is driven by realization that it happened to me way too many times already. I have started things way too many times just to abandon them (no matter whether in early or in the late stage) and then to end up at the very same start point. And I really got fed up four days ago. I have got fed up with myself and those excuses I am coming up with to end up where I started over and over again!

I have a lot of understanding for myself, would not punish myself as it does not work, would be patient and give myself second chances as long as it is needed. But I have not been honest with myself. I have not told myself before that if I don’t eat this cockroach now, I will lose my life time and end up at the start point all over again. I have told myself, never mind, don’t worry, you have all the time. And this is a lie. I don’t have all the time! Unless I am fully aware of and agree to I spend my whole life trying to get things done.

Why tectonic shift? Because awareness of this time shortage is not only weight loss related. It is related to everything I am doing. It is clear to me that in the days to come I will be going through the debris of my FEAR, doing everything I am afraid of, stamping through those wastelands which make me sick to my stomach, which make my head and my solar plexus burn in fire. The wastelands governed by Nasty-It-Not-Good-Enough. Four days ago I have given a name to all most important things which are to be done and which I am terrified of. PANDA, PANDA, PANDA… PANDA is just a symptom, little, very little side effect…

“How do we know that we are trans-surfing into a new reality? We know it – because it hurts.” – Coco Tomātl

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