Chapter 39: Heartless

It is raining and it is the eights day of me testing my slimming pants. The results are great, but my mind is somewhere else.

First this friend of mine told me she wants to kill herself. Then… well actually this news was really enough to get me off track on everything. I have spent days and days thinking about this suicidal announcement. I freaked out. I told her that I disapprove!!! She is still alive, God bless her, meaning that she may have listened.

At the same time, worried to the point of insomnia, I spent days having those ridiculous thoughts about weird absurdity of telling anybody about your somber plans if you really have such.

Coco said she had similar situation long time ago. She said she loved her friend so much; she stopped breathing when she heard her friend planning a suicide. Coco said she has got very angry. She said she could not comprehend how her friend could leave behind close friends and family suffering though their lives, burdened by the weight of unexplainable guilt and very much explainable sorrow.

Coco has got so angry in fact, that she said: “Ok. But please not before your mom’s birthday. Just wait until it is over and go on.”

– Coco, this is a crazy thing to say! – I exclaimed.
– Yeah, it certainly is. However back then it was perfectly sane. You see, once a person is dead, three days later the world forgets about her. But… Few people remain who will suffer till their last breath: mother, father, sisters, brothers, and very close friends. You punish people you love most. You punish people who love you most. Are they the ones you want to teach a lesson? Or is it the world? A boyfriend, who left you, will not care. Your fans will grieve a short while and go on. Your employers, business partners, suppliers, buyers, and other …iers will talk about it for exactly three days and turn to the living for new revenue streams. So I wanted to wake her up, to shake her out of this state of mind she has entered. And I told her I respect her decision, but would like to ask her to wait with execution until after her mom’s birthday… My friend accused me of being heartless. – Coco leaned back in Kugellager Signature Leaf Chair.
We remained silent for almost half an hour, watching the moon in front of casa mia. The moon was high, but somehow still reddish, several ounces away from its full glory.

– Are you a murderer if you take your own life? – Coco whispered. – If you are, can a murderer accuse anybody of being heartless? – She said. – Once decision has been made to take own life, is the role of a murderer assumed? – Once decision has been made to take own life, is the role of torturer assumed? Once decision has been made to take own life do you agree to cause suffering and pain to those closest and dearest to you? If so, why in the whole world would you mind killing yourself after your mom’s birthday and not before it? Your friends, your mom, your family will suffer anyway, so why not letting them have this last celebration? Life is the greatest gift. Nothing to throw around with! … My friend refused talking to me for full seven months; – Coco sighed – Seven months later I received a post card: little girl in a yellow dress embracing a 170 years old tree. “Thank you Coco for saving two lives” – was written in neat round letters in the upper right corner of the girl-tree card.

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